Who Says There Ain't No Answers To The
California Problem!?
I ran into Hoy,
an acquaintance of mine, in Manchester, NH a few days ago.
He was up here checking out the Democratic presidential
candidates. I originally met old Hoy some years ago out
near Keyser, West Virginia. I stress the word old here, as
Hoy has to be closing in on triple digits in the age
department, and I swear, there are times I actually
believe him when he talks about marching with General Lee
and The Army of Northern Virginia.
Now Hoy and me
were hoisting a few cold ones catching up on things when
he began talking about current events. Hoy you understand,
is much like Mr. Jethro Bodine in the education
department. But, you sure don't need much more than a
sixth grade education to come up with some solutions to
the world's problems as Hoy sees them, and boy, does Hoy
have some solutions when it comes to what's going on in
California these days.
"I don't
know 'bout you Yankees up here in Hamp'shre, but I've had
it with all that there political twaddle taking place out
in that there land of California."
"Yeah, so
what about it" I asked.
"The more I
see what's a hap'nin the more I see my wallet 'bout to get
a lot thinner, so much so that even my pet moths don't
want'n to hang 'round no more."
Now, Hoy and me
being just acquaintances, there is plentiful stuff I don't
know about him. But I do know that when he is on a roll one
should just honker-down, call for another cold one, and sit a spell and listen. I nodded
as Hoy kept court.
"Seems them
'lected officials out there done went on a Billy Gates
type spending spree with a Barney Google type income. I
hear they burned out some of them silly-cone counting
machines in the process trying to get all the bills
ciphered up. The newspapers say it's all because of what'n
the governor's been doing for a whole bunch of months and
that may be the God-fearing-honest truth."
"So Hoy, is
the governor to blame?"
"Don't
rightly know. But them people out there seem as mad at him
as we was that day Colonel Ketchin done run his truck off
the mountain and slam-dunked it in the pond out by Red
Creek. T'wasn't much 'bout it 'cept'n he was jack-rabbiting
it from them ATF fellers with 87 jugs of his best
'lightning."
"For the
next 6 weeks ol' Henry down at the bait n' tackle shop had
plum lots of people have a hankering to take up fishing
all at once."
"So Hoy,
what's all that got to do with California?"
"Well now,
just like’n you got all these here politicians running
amuck trying to be president here in Hampshire, seem them
California officials got them their own log-jam of people
up and trying to become governor after they toss the one
they got now out with the bath water. Don't make no sense
to me why a body wants to jump into that all that muddle,
but seeing they have all them factories locked up and
closing and all, I guess a job's a job."
I know I should
have left right then. But this conversation was getting
like the car wreck on the other side of the road. You've
just got to slow down to see the EMTs work at putting the
victims back together. "So Hoy, what's you
plan?"
"All this
craziness we got in this here country got its start out
there, right?"
"I guess .
. . so?"
"Well, with
California being the spawning ground for all this
fertilizer in the making, I think maybe it's time that the
rest of the lower 48 start to protect ourselves from the
lunacy that has become that California's State
Motto."
"And?"
"Well, we
done and settled that thing and put in to bed 'bout no
state being able to break away and secede from the Union,
but we did never talk about booting out one when they've
taken one too many swigs from one of the Colonel's bad
batches."
"Huh?"
"You see,
out west they have this here San Andreas guy who'd done
been sleeping for a real long time. I read where them
scientific boys say that when this here feller finally
wakes up, he is going to be in one really cantankerous and
ornery mood and go about splitting his gizzard -- start a-rockin'
and a-rollin' and just might up and shake, rattle, and
roll that there California place right on into the
ocean."
"Now, it
don't matter much to me on whose fault it is for all that
trouble they are having out there in left field. I just
don't want it none to start climbing up one side of them
Rocky Mountains then get a good running start and start
a-bopping and tumbling down the other side and spreading
that putrid matter cross the plains and on into the rest
of the country. So I got a plan --- Induced
Separation."
"Hoy . .
.Induced What?"
"We should
ought not wait for that San Andreas guy to up and get out
of bed on his own. We should help the feller along and set
an alarm clock for him. I recon three or four of them
there nuclear type weapons of mass destruction them United
Nations folk are jittery and all hot and bothered about
will do the trick. Now if we take them boom-boxes and well
place them within the butt of Andreas, that should light
up his gizzards and rankle his spirit up and give him one
hellava attitude problem enough to knock that California
place clear into La-La Land for good! We can get them NRA
types to guard the border and tell'n them that they can
shoot on sight any Californ'n type person trying to
high-tail it away befor'n Andreas gets spooked out of
bed."
Hoy
has a point. Now if you excuse me, I have to go and put in
an application at my local flag making company. I figure
after we put Hoy's plan into action, they'll be hiring big
time and I'll be real busy with lots of overtime pay as
folks start wanting to replace their old out-of-date
50-star flags with new ones with only 49. Who says we
can't get this here economy a-tricklin' down!
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