When
you are a freelancer you pretty much have to
follow the rules of success of Larry, Darrel, and
Darrel from the old Bob Newhart TV show,
“Anything for a buck.” That is why I had to
consider the possibility of me
becoming an advice column for some local
newspapers.
Yeah,
Abby and Ann’s columns are still with us, but
they are second generations now and although the
new Abby and Ann seem to be fine and work hard and
all, it’s just not the same as when the twins
were still with us.
It really is time for a change in this genre.
And,
did you ever notice, there isn’t a man out there
giving advice (outside of a couple of Doctors,
Head Boys, and Auto Fix-it dudes. I mean, where is
the everyday guy giving common everyday advice!?
Well,
here I am, Mr. Answer Man! I am here to help, and
yes, I DO have an opinion about EVERYTHING,
whether or not I know anything about the subject
of know what the heck I am talking about. Knowledge about anything is totally irrelevant and you will
be assimilated
into my column.
Today’s
Mail:
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, A couple of women moved in across
the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym
teacher, and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere
together, and I've never seen a man go into their
apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese? -- Across the hall and wondering.
Dear ATHAW, Um, I am not sure. Invite yourself over to
their apartment to welcome them to the building.
When they aren’t looking, check out their
passports. Oh, and don’t forget to bring a
pineapple upside-down cake with you.
Dear Mr. Answer Man, What can I do about all the
sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? – Embarrassed and Disgusted
in Las Vegas
Dear
Embarrassed and Disgusted, It is disgusting to see
what this technology has wrought and I thank you
for your concern on this matter affecting all
people. Contact your local Consumer Protection
Agency and tell them your concerns, write the
manufacture a letter of complaint, and then have a
yard sale and include the VCR and then get up with
the time and buy a DVD Player!!!
Dear Mr. Answer Man, I have a man I never could
trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this
baby I'm carrying is his. – True Blue as Can Be.
Dear
Blue, Go to the Yard Sale of the person with the
VCR and see if she has the evidence on tape.
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated
woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's
getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him. – Bleeding Cash
Monthly
Ah,
my young inexperienced BcM, you have not learned
yet that guys are really stupid and there are many
subjects they do not want to talk about,
money being one of them. So, DON’T TRY!!!
It is best you never know you
boyfriend “well enough”. After all, he will
never know you that well and he will not even try.
So, after each “tip-toe thru the tulips” he
will be in a fantasy world of his own lying there
with this self-important silly “I am the Man”
look on his face. He won’t even know you are
there. Don’t say a word. Just reach over and
take a few bucks out of his wallet. Remember, guys
are stupid. He’ll never miss it. (You could also
do this as he gets up to wash of the “love
dust” in the shower.)
Dear Mr. Answer Man, I suspected that my husband had
been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.
Should I believe him? – Trust but Verify
Dear Verify, To forgive is divine, or so they say.
Yes, you should believe him. If he is half the man
I am you never will find
the evidence again.
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian
home turn against his own? – Forsaken Mom
Dear Forsaken, You should have been more concerned
and interested in his friends and MAKE him go to a
college closer to home where you constantly
embarrass him, barge in on him, and intrude in his
life to prevent this abnormal behavior.
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, My 40-year-old son has been paying a
psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must
be crazy. – Is it true?
Dear iT, yes I am sorry to say, he sure is crazy if
he is paying $50 an hour to a psychiatrist. The
going rate nationally is only $42.95 an hour.
Disown him and move far away. There is no hope for
him. Adopt a dog.
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, Do you think it would be all right if
I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years
to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did
it. – Expectantly Doctored
Dear
ED, Yes, I think it would be a nice gesture and
then go apologize to your mother and tell he she
was SO right when she told you to marry a doctor.
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, My mother is mean and short-tempered.
Do you think she is going through her mental
pause? – Beat-Up in Babylon
My
dear Beat-Up, let me congratulate you on your
thoughtful and concerned involvement in your
mother’s life and for being the dutiful son you are.
You have obviously done considerable reading about
this subject, but you are confusing some of the
information. This is not her mental pause,
this is her “hot flash – aka temper” pause
brought on by snot-nosed sons and brain-dead
husbands who don’t make their beds, leave their
clothes wherever they take them off, and forget to
put the toilet seat down. You will know when Mom
hit her mental pause when she forgets to put diner
on the table and kisses the dog good night and
puts you out on the patio with a bone, which is
still too good for the idiot son she ended up
with.
Dear Mr. Answer Man, You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a
doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
years ago and he IS a doctor. What now? –
Undoctored Wife
Dear Undoctored, Call Mom and apologize and tell her
she was right when she said NEVER marry a doctor!!
Dear
Mr. Answer Man, I joined the Navy to see the world.
I've seen it. Now, how
do I get out? – Sea Sick
Dear Sea Sick, Next time you see the Captain of
your ship, pat him on the rear and call him honey.
Ugh!!!!
This only goes to prove my theory that people ARE
in fact practicing because no one is BORN this
stupid!!! Where are Ann and Abby when you really
need them?
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